Mystic Gurtrude

Awlrite me babbers, I could nerr believe me yers when I erd Gurt offer me a chance to write for he on the lush. Especially affer Evening Post gave me the boot and stopped me writing in me daily horoscope column.

Enough gassin, ere we go for the year ahead:

For all you capricorns out there, I see water and an erg. For the next two weeks anyway. Coach's training plan and outings in the cold, wet and dark get too much for a jessie like you and curry, pies and cider feature heavily in the coming months. In fact, they feature heavily for the coming years too. You're approched by BBC Bristol's feature documentary called 'Lard me up lard boy' in an experiment to see if man can survive on an intake of only Blackthorne and Pieminster pies concluding "yes, quite happily". Your lucky number is "Burger Meal Number 3 please", your lucky household object is the fridge.

Water loving Aquarians can enjoy an altogether different year ahead when, after a rigorous selection period involving seat racing, 2, 5, 10, 20 and 50k ergs, torpedo races and a swift tenner to the captains (well, to Jane anyway, Steve has altogether different requirements which you're more than a little unsure about), you're picked to row in the prestigous top henley 4-. With a slight error in administration by the race secretary, you find yourself rowing in a seafaring vessel crossing the atlantic against James Cracknell. Your lucky tool is a back, crack and sack waxing kit, your lucky powertool is the strimmer.